at 2am, i am back at the hotel because i need to piss. qingyi and i walk down town but the christmas lights have been turned off. the malls are odd and lonely with no crowds surging through them. qingyi says she can see my colour, and it is dark blue, but she cannot see her own. i suggest that we never can fully see ourselves. indeed, tonight, i feel larger than i can comprehend, deeper and darker and twisted and horrible. as a child, i never thought i would turn out this way. those were the days my body was a vessel of sunlight and i believed in a beautiful world.
—lynette
